Spiritual Path

I'm on that path again - still looking for a higher power - still confused about what path to take. God, I've been on so many. Just when I think the Christian path is the one to take, I meet one that changes my mind or something happens that makes me wonder if there really is a God. Maybe we are just meant to die and there is nothing afterwards. Maybe there is a God and a Saviour as the Bible claims. What is it going to take to make me realize what path to take? For the most part, all my friends are Christian. Some to more extreme than others, but I love them all. I have a few Pagan friends, but I find them getting darker and darker. And one of them I could swear is evil from the inside out. Now that he is out of my life I haven't been fearful of opening up about religion. He really suffocated me. Where is the balance? Do I have to be the extreme Christian or can I be a balanced individual who simply loves God? I don't feel right being a Bible spouting, church activist. To be honest it drains me. But, I don't mind reading the Bible and going to church once a week. Do I understand the Bible? Sometimes. Other times? I would swear half of the people involved in the stories smoke some better stuff than I do. And see right there...is it a sin to think that way...people in the Bible smoking weed? My mind thinks these things. I can't stop it. It just happens. And now I've put it in my journal. Am I going to hell thinking things like that? Do I even believe in Hell? If I believe in the Bible, I have to believe in hell. How can God create something so awful? Why? Why can't people just be naturally good? Why do we have to struggle? Why can't life be perfect? Damn, maybe I should go smoke some more. Hmmmm? Actually, I should go read the Bible. It's got dust on it. I wish I could be as strong as people like Jeri, Millie and Heather. They are strong in their faith and nothing stops them. Not cancer, not financial worries, not their children being sick....NOTHING. It makes me think that Christianity is the way to go. But, each time I try, my life gets harder. What in the world is hindering me????